TOP TIPS

[bbchris]

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your

favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.



RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.



DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the garbage bags along with your old bank statements.



WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night

drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before

going to bed to remove the stains.



MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and mail it to yourself via the Postal Service. You will never see it again.



EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs/Resumes into the garbage.



MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the

sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.



GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try mailing $50 to

yourself.



DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep

your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the

car start and send them on their way.



PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply

moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.



DEPRESSED PEOPLE: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on anti-

depressants, etc.



MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.



SHOES: They will last twice as long if only worn every other day.



SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by

standing outside a woman's fashion shop with several bags of

shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.



BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

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