lessons in singing the blues

[debbie mannas]

This is very funny. No offense Sethr and all you other blues guys!!!



If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:



1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."



2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."



3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman wit the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in

town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."



4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.



5. Blues cars: Chevy's, Fords, Cadillac's and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and

state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does

fixin' to die.



6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.



7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in anyplace that don't get rain.



8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.



9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.



10. Good places for the Blues

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass



11. Bad places for the Blues

a. Nordstrom's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses



12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.



13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt

b. you're blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund



14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.



15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. black coffee



The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple



16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.



17. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling



18. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little or Big Willie

d. Sam Cooke



19. Persons with names like Michelle, Jessica, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.



20. Blues Name Starter Kit

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)



For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")



21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period.

[sethr]

...to the tune of "Hootchie Coothie Man"



Da-da-da-da-da



Woke up this afternoon...



Da-da-da-da-da



Both cars were gone...



Da-da-da-da-da



Got so goddam mad...



Da-da-...Threw my drink across the lawn...

[sethr]

...starts off with the line...



Went down to my local tavern, I was feeling kinda nervous and harried...

[DreamTone7]

I realize this post is "tongue-in-cheek", but there's a lot of truth in it too. One thing that needs to be added is that "The Blues" is honest...anybody who lives a lie, whatever kind, cannot sing the blues.



If your summer cottage burns down while your home is safe and sound, you can't sing the blues.



If your old lady left town but your mistress is still around, you can't sing the blues.



If your car and computer both crash, if your credits good when you're outta cash, if somebody swipes your second stash...ain't no way you can sing the blues.





Bottom line: If you've never hit rock bottom, you've got no business singing the blues, anyway.

[sethr]

Bottom line: If you've never hit rock bottom, you've got no business singing the blues, anyway.



I don't believe that for a minute. There's all kinds of problems. It's not always about money. You can have money and still have the blues. It's not all about love either. If your old lady is out of town and your mistress is still around, you can still have the blues. That's a blues situation right there.

Did you ever hear David Bromberg's "Somebody Else's Blues"?

It's hilarious, but it rings true. ("If I pull my hand outta my pocket too fast, I might drop a fifty dollar bill...I got more chicks than I can use...I must have somebody else's blues...").

Everybody has a right to the blues. That "you gotta be poor and black" s h i t is a worn out cliche.

[debbie mannas]

many times, unfortunately the last thing on my mind at that point was singing



That was then. Now I'd probably write a song (and I have as well )

[sethr]

Do you know who Alex Schultz is? Former guitarist for Rod Piazza. Absolute killer. World class. The real deal. He is the son of somebody like Estee Lauder (I'm not sure it's her, but it's some millionaire makeup empire lady). Anyone who says he can't play blues has no ears.

[DreamTone7]

First off, the last line of my post was in jest.



Second, we were talking about singing...not playing.



Third, I made no mention of money or being black.



Fourth, why would what I said bother someone?





There are many flavors of blues...but for traditional blues there is no substitute for experience. It's my belief that if someone "sings the blues" because they lost their favorite Ferrari (out of ten), then they are only fooling themselves about what is really important in life. (See first post about "honesty".) This doesn't mean that their "blues" isn't valid.....it's just not the same blues. With that in mind, I think "Alex Schultz" would find it tough to "hang" with the likes of SRV or somebody who's been "there". Traditional Blues is more than just a style...it's a particular emotion. It's more about losing your soul-mate as opposed to a pocket watch. I'd have to say that money CAN be an issue, because the more you have, the less most things mean to you. It's human nature. If you've got only one thing in the world you value, it means the world to you! If you have several things and lose only one...well...I think you get the idea.



BTW, "The Blues" usually refers to Traditional Blues....as opposed to just plain "Blues". Just about anybody who can play an intrument can play blues....interesting, isn't it?