Useless One-Liners

[Seismic Anamoly]

"I'll bet your legs are really tired, baby"....



"Why?"



"Cause they've been running through my mind since you walked in that door"....







Friend of mine used that one one night....and it WORKED!!

[goodisonpark]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but she'd popped her clogs..



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it!



So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said nearest to bull starts". He went "Baa", so I said "Moo". He says "You're the closest".



You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.



The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".



So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint about this vinegar - It's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions, you tw*t".



I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".



So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I tell you what I love doing more than anything! Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. When I do that I can't contain myself!



So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".



But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar then!

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.



So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.



He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.



And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I says "Are you two an item?".



So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "Now that's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"



A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"





A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"



A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."



A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

There was this man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



Dyslexic man walks into a bra........





I shall try them today at the bar

The world is your oyster but the future's a clam

[bbchris]

hahaahahahaha VEry good! I'll listen to you tonight and see if you have success!

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