Tommy Cooperisms..........to brighten up the day.

bbchris

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

20. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

RonOnGuitar · Joined: 08 Jan 2003 Posts: 1916

Those are pretty good, Chris! :wgrin

To get the context, I had to look up "Tommy Cooper" since it's more a UK thing.

I also enjoy another UK speaker's misspoken musings - Reverend William Archibald Spooner, from whence we get the term "Spoonerism".

Some spoonerisms:

"The Lord is a shoving leopard,"

"It is kisstomary to cuss the bride,"

"Mardon me padam, this pie is occupewed. Can I sew you to another sheet?."

"We must drink a toast to the queer old Dean"

Ringo Starr has a propensity to at least one related malapropism -

RE: A Hard Day's Night

"The movie's strange title originated from something said by Ringo Starr, the Beatles' drummer. Starr described it this way in an interview with disc jockey Dave Hull in 1964: "We went to do a job, and we'd worked all day and we happened to work all night. I came up still thinking it was day I suppose, and I said, 'It's been a hard day...' and I looked around and saw it was dark so I said, '...night!' So we came to 'A Hard Day's Night.' "(From Wikipedia)